physical pain versus emotional pain

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physical pain versus emotional pain

Post  Admin on Fri Jan 08, 2010 8:20 pm

Sometimes they blur. The line is not clear. The emotional becomes physical and I cannot tell where one stops and the other starts. I have been crying most of my life. I think that sometimes the emotional pain caused me to do things that pushed me physically and I would get hurt and then have a real reason to cry. We spend our lives trying to connect with someone to feel less alone and if we are very very lucky we find someone who can share many of the things within us. But I think we all are condemned to be alone. Thinking that no one else can see or feel what we do. I believe that we hold things that hurt us not understanding how they poison us. I do not think that many people want to honestly review and understand how their actions have wounded. My mother did not want me. She did not want me in her life if I would not do exactly what she wanted when she wanted it done. And many times she set me up to fail her. I see it. I knew it. But I still wanted to be loved by her so much. I would try so hard. And I would cry each time I failed.
In the end I had to do things the way I KNEW was right not what she wanted. ANd she hated it. She hated me. I never fought her. I never argued with her. I just did not do what she wanted. But her words would cut me. I never left without bleeding all over. The sense of failure was so absolute. It is difficult to choose between your mother and your marriage. I chose my marriage. But no marriage is easy. There are times you need a mom to talk to. But I could not. Everytime she sent my daughter home crying I bled. again. I would walk at night all night long trying to decide what would be best for the children. to keep them away or to allow them to see and make their own choices. I had no answers. I cried and I bled. I think that over the years it wore me down. I think that the pain in my heart became the pain in my joints. there is no line anymore. and I still bleed. cuz no one wants to talk it out.

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